What is the secret of the wife that makes her husband want to stick to the most?
Hello, every fans, happy New Year ~ Zhong Yu, the consultant of all emotions, is happy New Year to you. A few days ago, I talked with my student LAN LAN, and I choked up several times during my speech.She said she saw a family in the community loving and loving to do Spring Festival shopping, with the child holding the father in the middle and the mother “swinging” in the other hand.At that moment, she felt that her marriage had been particularly unsuccessful and boring.LAN LAN’s husband did not cheat on her, but it was “hard” to live with him.There are still many women like LAN LAN whose marital status is “too bad to live without”.They often tell me that when they get married, they think their husband is “prince on a white horse” and “hero on colorful auspicious clouds”.As a result, after living together for a few years, they became a “nightmare” with so many flaws and problems that it was simply unbearable.At that time, the “fan filter” blinded themselves.Men have been known to “fall apart” even when they don’t have sex with you.You really “get” him.You are the one facing his “breakdown” directly.You can’t wait to write hundreds of articles criticizing him, but the response in the comments section is probably: “So is my family!”So, this is the “pot” of marital fatigue that every adult inevitably goes through in a marriage.Look at each other in disgust?How to find the sweetness of the past and reshape each other’s “fan filters”?A test of wisdom and love.So, today, He Yu will tell you about the “old couple” is how to love, but also how to find happiness!Xiao ya sent a message two days ago saying that she and her husband had quarreled again.When you really like someone, you don’t care how to say it.Don’t like a person, say anything ugly.Her marriage is going through such a phase.In the early years of their marriage, they were on good terms.Even if there are occasional conflicts, they are quick to reconcile.However, the little capriciousness, control and bullying between them will bring two people closer.But the birth of the baby turned everything into a mess.In order to take care of the baby, both parents came to help and hired a nanny.There are several people in the house all of a sudden. It looks a bit crowded.Mother and son were surrounded by a crowd of people, and the husband couldn’t get close.Unable to stick to her husband made Xiao ya uncomfortable and she became increasingly anxious and psychologically unbalanced.Xiao Ya felt that she suffered a lot from giving birth, but her husband, like everyone else, didn’t care!Therefore, Xiao Ya often found fault with her husband.For example, holding the baby posture is wrong, changing diapers slowly, do not have the patience to listen to their own, let the husband puzzling, xiao ya feel changed a person, too many things.At first, her husband coaxed her patiently and tried to do as Xiao ya asked.Xiao Ya was not satisfied.Finally, my husband got bored.Anyway, my mother and son were taken care of.Why do I always cut corners?Just came back from work to play games, Internet, away from xiao Ya.This made Xiao ya even more angry, and made her husband even more disagreeable, even to see her mother-in-law and to see anything related to her husband, so she had to make fun of me before.Xiao Ya’s marriage had problems because the birth of her child seemed to be the “fuse”, and the arrival of the “little life” actually broke the balance between xiao Ya and her husband.Is it the child’s fault?Apparently not.Why are other people’s “children” born to make marriages sweeter, happier, and couples closer?Isn’t that the case in your family?So this is clearly a “grown-up problem”.You two don’t work out, so you think it’s “kids”?Baby good grievance!Xiao ya was angry because she wanted her husband’s special pet needs not to be met.Arguing the wrong way to try to get your husband back on track can lead to greater conflict, greater disappointment, and greater anger.In the end, misunderstandings and confrontations on both sides bring the marriage to a standstill.Unmet needs and unreasonable expectations are the root causes of two kinds of feelings in marriage.To solve this dilemma, ask yourself a few questions: Why did I like him in the first place?Check to see if the qualities that attracted you are still there.And then, wondering, has the other person changed?Or have I changed?For example, Xiao Ya was attracted by her husband’s grace, talent, family and thoughtfulness when she fell in love, so she married happily.Now, these qualities of my husband are still the same, but his alienation and avoidance are unacceptable to Xiao Ya.That’s it. My husband hasn’t changed.What is the source of my injury?Most of the emotions evoked by current events echo the unmet needs of childhood.After analysis, Xiao ya remembered that she was timid and self-contemptuous when she was young, because she was often the last child to be picked up in kindergarten and rejected by the teacher.At that time, her greatest wish was to stay with her parents all the time.This formed Xiao Ya’s dependence on intimacy and she felt that being with me all the time was the only way to love me.If I were a different person, how would I feel?Empathy, empathy.Imagine what it must be like to be a husband at work all day and come home to a wife, hungry children and a room full of elders ready to explode.I’m tired of bringing home the bacon.I have so many people to deal with.Hide if you can.After answering the above questions, xiao ya’s own ideas will be clear.So, the antipathy is just a reminder of the need to get to know and accept each other again and adjust the pattern.Fatigue is not a sign that a marriage is headed for the grave, but an opportunity to rejuvenate.The key to success is mutual love and growth with acceptance and permission.02 Make your marriage happy and make yourself successful.Therefore, I suggest adjustment in the following aspects: 1. Recognize your inner needs and learn to release yourself.From expecting satisfaction from others to self-satisfaction.The premise is to release negative emotions, restore rationality, and see the truth.Xiaoya, who has been coached, understands that over-dependence and lack of control led to her husband’s estrangement, and her resentment has dissipated a lot.At the same time, I advised her to practice the balloon release method frequently, which also worked well.Find a comfortable place to sit whenever you are aware of your emotions.Close your eyes and imagine a colorful balloon in front of you.With each exhalation, all the negative emotions are blown into the balloon with the exhalation.The balloon can expand infinitely, can hold all your unhappiness.As long as you feel uncomfortable, you can exhale like this and put all the uncomfortable sensations into it until you feel calm.Then, imagine taking a balloon up into the air and popping it with a needle so that all the negative energy in the balloon can dissipate into the air.People are often shy about expressing their needs directly, and instead expect others to take the initiative to meet our needs once they notice.Women in marriage are used to intimating, coquetry and guiding men to know their ideas.Men are just rational creatures and it’s hard to understand what they mean.In order to reduce misunderstanding, the best way is that both husband and wife develop the habit of frank communication, and to speak openly, of course, pay attention to the tone and atmosphere, to avoid misunderstanding.I suggest Xiao Ya that in a good atmosphere, she can indulge with her husband and express her hope to get more company and attention from her husband, because then she will feel loved by her husband.It is also appropriate to make specific small requests.For example: ask your husband to play with your child for 20 minutes every day, go out for a walk and have dinner with xiao Ya once a week, and create the opportunity for two people to be alone.Be simple, specific, easy for the other person to do, and willing to do it.By building habits, new patterns will be established.3. Grow and become self-sufficient.It is easiest to satisfy yourself if you put expectations outside, where the outcome is never certain.Seeing inner pain clearly and conflict as an opportunity for healing brings out unlimited potential, growth, and the courage to confront and solve problems.With the help of Xiao Ya, I got out of my comfort zone and enrolled in the post-natal recovery training class. After taking maternity leave, I returned to work to take care of my children and resumed my love of painting.As she turned her attention to the larger social space, she became financially free, mentally independent, and no longer overly attached and compulsive to her husband, but he became diligent.Not only do they often help with the housework and accompany the mother and son, but also take the initiative to discuss with Xiao Ya.Life gradually returned to normal and harmony was restored.Couples who look at each other with disgust, because their needs are not met, they have negative emotions, exaggerate each other’s shortcomings, and forget the original intention of falling in love.Try to accept each other’s imperfections and allow each other to be true to themselves and agree to disagree.Ordinary days of love will be full of wind and water, and you will never get tired of it for long.In the end, women find that the usefulness of the emotional animal “husband” depends on whether she can use him.What are the consequences of not using it?I’ll make do with two. Widowed, married, kids with or without him!You also wonder: Is it possible that I could be more relaxed, or at least less personal, without him?What is the result of “using”?She doted on her husband, did the housework well, and told the children, “Mother is very hard, we should protect her together.”I really think you’re “his big lady” and don’t bother with anything.I always want to sorry you!Why the big difference?A woman who can’t use a man is a “mother” in the relationship, and a “rebel” in raising a “big baby”, so you are not tired!But you can “use” a man.The important thing is that you trust him.You see him as a “man” who can protect you from the wind and rain and encourage him to “work hard” for you.If you trust him, he can “feel” and get satisfaction, which fills him with energy.He’s ready to fight for you and his family.As a result, you often see the “useless idiot” around you with a husband who is still “smart and capable”.The husbands of “strong women’s mothers” are often lazy and timid.The field needs to be balanced.Don’t try to feed yourself.Instead, learn to “pass on the energy” to your man and make him love the feeling of being “out front” with your family.The more you give, the more satisfaction you get, and then you win!